I was a fan of the first Pirates movie. Not so much since, there’s one or two scenes that are worth watching in the 2nd, but I’ve seen nothing of the 3rd. Personally I’m over the whole Pirates fad, especially as it became part of the whole stupid Pastafarian thing. But that’s a story for another day. When I heard that they were making another Pirates movie, I figured it was going to be bad. Then I heard that the worst two actors on Pirates, Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom. I can’t believe that anyone on the planet would consider Orlando Bloom an action star. He makes a great Elf cause of the limp wrist, but I’m happy that Hollywood is done with him.

Of course now that I’ve seen the trailer for the new Pirates movie, the series is obviously about to die. Penelope Cruz, the kiss of death for just about any movie, is the new female lead. I actually thought she was done with English speaking movies, as she hasn’t been in anything since the bust that was Sahara. She had a weird career, no one had heard of her until she started dating In The Closet Tom Cruise. Then she got to co-star with him in Vanilla Sky, one of the very few busts of a Tom Cruise film for the time.

She’s definitely suffering from Dolph Lundgren disease, starting her career (not considering her Spanish career) at the top and slowly fading out. You finally get rid of the two most useless people on the cast, and you decide to bring in the human anchor that is Penelope Cruz? What are these people thinking? No one wants to see Cruz in anything, even if she’s with people you might actually want to see. You can never understand what the hell she’s saying, and in English she can’t act her way out of a paper bag.

It’s kind of funny though, because Disney has already told the Pirates actors not to schedule anything as they plan to film movies 5 and 6 back to back. Irony being that Disney freaked out when they realized that the first Pirates movie starred a metro-sexual pirate and now they want to do a 4th, 5th and 6th movie only starring him. It’s too bad, because the new Pirate movie did sound promising. Especially since it’s based on the same source as Secret of Monkey Island and supposedly has one of the writers who was working on the Spielberg Monkey Island project. But I am already calling it that this will be the last Pirates movie and a decent sized bust thanks to Penelope Cruz.

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